Planning a Funeral After Baby Loss: Things to Consider

There is no way to prepare for planning your baby’s funeral. It is something no parent expects to face, and yet so many are suddenly asked to make deeply emotional decisions in a very short amount of time.

This is not a checklist you have to follow. It is simply a guide to help you think through options you may not even know exist. You deserve to make these decisions in a way that feels right for you, your baby, and your family.

Cremation vs. Burial

One of the first decisions you may be asked to make is whether you would like cremation or burial.

There is no right or wrong choice, but here are a few things to consider:

• Do you want a physical place to visit?

• Do you want a space where siblings or family members can go in the future?

• Do you plan on moving at some point?

• Do you have religious or personal beliefs that guide your decision?

• Is cost a concern?

Cremation is typically less expensive than burial. Burial often includes purchasing a plot and a headstone.

For me personally, I chose burial. I struggled deeply with the idea of cremation. My mind immediately went to the thought of her body being burned, and I couldn’t move past that. It may feel uncomfortable to say out loud, but those thoughts are real and valid.

Having a place to visit Heidi has brought me so much comfort. I love being able to go sit with her, talk to her, and celebrate her life in a physical space.

If you do choose cremation, you may also want to think about who will care for your baby’s ashes in the future.

It’s also important to know that you can separate the service from the burial. You can have a larger funeral with friends and family, and then choose to have a small, private burial with only immediate family. That is what I chose, and it made that moment feel more intimate and personal.

This can be exactly what you want it to be.

Funeral Attire

What you wear and what others wear is completely up to you.

Traditionally, people wear black to funerals, but you do not have to follow that.

For Heidi’s service, I asked everyone to wear bright, colorful clothing. I wanted the day to feel like a celebration of her life, not just a mourning of her loss. When I think of Heidi, I think of color, softness, and light. That is what led my decision.

You can ask people to wear whatever feels most meaningful to you.

If You Have Multiples

If you have twins, triplets, or multiples, you may be given the option for them to share a casket.

This is not something everyone realizes is an option, but it is something you can request if it feels right for you.

Photography

This is something I personally wish I had done.

I did not hire a photographer for Heidi’s funeral because I was worried people might think it was strange or inappropriate. Looking back, I wish I had those photos.

I wish I had more than a few phone pictures of the last time I saw her.

If having those memories matters to you, I would gently encourage you to consider hiring a photographer. The people who matter will understand, and those photos can become something you treasure forever.

What Your Baby Will Wear

Choosing what your baby will wear is a deeply personal decision.

Do you want a gown, or something simple like a onesie?

For Heidi, I wanted her to look like a baby. I chose a soft pink, long sleeve onesie with small embroidered flowers. It had a tiny pocket, and my husband and I each wrote her a note and placed them inside.

Because Heidi had an autopsy, she needed her head covered. We chose a bonnet, which was a difficult but meaningful decision.

If you plan to shop for an outfit, I strongly recommend asking a friend or family member to call the store ahead of time. Have them explain that you are coming in to shop for your baby’s funeral.

We did not do this, and we were asked questions like “What are you shopping for?” and “Is the baby born yet?” just days after losing her. Those moments were incredibly painful.

Having someone prepare the store ahead of time can make that experience a little more gentle.

Keepsakes

If you are able, I highly recommend creating keepsakes.

Some ideas include:

• Hand and foot molds

• Handprints and footprints

• A clipping of hair, if your baby has hair

• Photos and videos

You can ask your nurse or the funeral home to help with these. Some families also choose to do molds or prints at the funeral home.

These items become incredibly meaningful over time.

Funeral Flowers

Flowers are another way to personalize your baby’s service.

You could consider:

• A favorite color

• Colors you associate with your baby

• A favorite flower

• Flowers from your wedding or other meaningful moments

We chose bright, colorful flowers that were similar to the ones from our wedding. We wanted Heidi surrounded by beauty.

You might also consider having your flowers preserved afterward. This creates a lasting keepsake from something that was once part of such an important day.

Eulogies

You get to decide who speaks, how many people speak, and what is said.

I was very intentional and direct about this. I did not want many people speaking.

At Heidi’s service:

• I wrote a letter to her that my husband read aloud

• My husband spoke

• My sister spoke

If someone wants to speak and you are not comfortable with it, it is okay to say no. You can communicate that directly or ask someone you trust to do it for you.

This is your child’s funeral. Your wishes matter.

If you are unsure what to say, writing your baby a letter can be a beautiful place to start. That is what I did, and it helped me find the words when I didn’t know where to begin.

A Final Note

You are allowed to do this your way.

You are allowed to make decisions that others may not understand.

You are allowed to protect your peace, your space, and your experience as you say goodbye to your baby.

There is no perfect way to do this. There is only YOUR way.... and that is enough.

With Care,

Heidi's Mom, Jamie