Lactation After Loss: When Your Milk Comes In After Losing Your Baby

When you're pregnant, you likely imagine what life will look like when you finally get to hold your baby. You imagine the first cry, the first sleepless night, and even what feeding your baby will look like.

For me, I was so excited to breastfeed. I bought everything I thought I'd need: a Boppy pillow, a Frida Mom nursing pillow, nipple balm, breast pumps... I researched every option, texted my sisters and asked friends which pump they liked or didn’t like. I figured out how to get my insurance to cover a pump, and learned everything I could. Once I reached 37 weeks, I even started collecting colostrum. I loved knowing my body was getting ready to nourish my baby.

Then on May 4th I pushed… And I gave birth. And then there was silence.

I was confused… Why wasn't my baby crying? Where was the cry I'd waited nine months to hear?

I kept thinking it would come… that after a few moments, she'd finally cry.

But she didn't.

And I was told she didn't make it.

Within an hour, I was being told how to stop my milk from coming in. Something I hadn't even thought about in that moment. My body was ready to feed my daughter, and suddenly I was being told how to stop it.

It was one of the first physical reminders that my baby had died.

It was one of the most heartbreaking reminders that my body was preparing to care for a baby I could no longer bring home. It truly felt so unfair.

Most people never think about a mother's milk coming in after the loss of her baby. I learned that this can happen even when a loss occurs long before full term. For some mothers, milk production may begin after a second-trimester loss, making it another heartbreaking part of grieving that few people talk about.

Support during those first few days is so important.

I realized that this is a topic that receives very little attention, yet it affects so many grieving mothers.

After I gave birth to my son, Matthew, I hired a wonderful lactation consultant to help guide me through breastfeeding. At first, I didn't know how to tell her that I already had a daughter. That Matthew wasn't my first baby. It felt important to tell her because this wasn't the first time my body had made milk for my baby.

There was a Heidi.

There is a Heidi… and she is Matthew's older sister.

Our lactation consultant's name was Brittany and she supported me more than I could have ever wished. She leaned in, asked about Heidi, and never made me feel like I had to hide the fact that I was a mom to two children. She supported me through my breastfeeding journey with Matthew and as our appointments continued, we talked more about Heidi, my dream of starting Heidi Saint James, and what it had been like for my milk to come in after Heidi died. 

As Brittany and I talked more, I realized that many of the things I had done to stop my milk from coming in after Heidi were actually outdated recommendations... which made sense because all I did was make a couple Google searches!

Looking back, I feel incredibly fortunate that I didn't develop clogged ducts or mastitis. Which isn't the case for many moms, especially moms grieving their baby.

We both realized there was such a lack of education surrounding lactation after loss. Even when mothers receive information in the hospital, they are usually in such intense shock that it's almost impossible to process what comes next.

We created this resource so that no mom has to figure this out alone while grieving the loss of her baby.

Before we talk about the practical side of caring for your milk, I want you to know this:

There is no timeline for making this decision!! Some moms know immediately what they want to do. Others change their minds days later.. Which it totally okay!

I chose to keep the colostrum I had frozen before Heidi was born. One day, I hope to have it turned into a piece of jewelry as a keepsake of the love my body made for her.

I also chose to stop my milk from coming in right away. But before I did... I have to admit, I let a little bit come out because I just had to know what it tasted like. I even convinced my husband to try it with me. Turns out, it tasted like honeydew melon mixed with milk!

Now, while that was my choice, it doesn't have to be yours. (And no, you definitely don't have to taste it. 😊)

You may decide to stop your milk from coming in. You may choose to pump and donate your milk. You may decide to save a small amount as a keepsake. Or you may choose something in between.

There is no wrong decision!

The remainder of this guide was created in collaboration with Brittany Peralta, BSN, RN, IBCLC, to help you understand your options and care for your body during this difficult time. We hope it provides practical guidance and reassurance as you make the decision that feels right for you.

If You Want Your Milk to Stop

The goal is to relieve pressure without fully emptying your breasts, since fully emptying them tells your body to continue making milk.

To help with comfort:

• Wear a supportive, comfortable bra.

• Apply cold packs (wrapped in a thin towel) for 10 to 20 minutes at a time.

• Take approved pain relief, such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen, if your provider says it is safe.

• Drink to thirst. You do not need to limit fluids.

• If your breasts become very full, hand express or pump only until the pressure eases. Stop before your breasts feel empty or completely soft.

Many mothers notice improvement within about a week, although small amounts of leaking may continue longer.

Avoid:

• Pumping until empty

• Tight breast binding

• High pump suction

• Deep breast massage

• Frequent checking or squeezing

• Very hot water directly on the breasts

• Vibration or massage tools

If you know you want your milk to stop, ask your healthcare provider about medication options that may help reduce milk production.

If You Want to Pump or Donate

Some mothers find meaning in pumping and donating milk, while others do not. Both choices are valid.

You may choose to:

• Pump or hand express only enough to relieve discomfort.

• Pump for a short time and donate milk.

• Continue pumping longer if that feels right for you.

You can stop pumping whenever you choose.

If storing milk:

• Label milk with the date and time.

• Refrigerate or freeze it as soon as possible.

General storage guidelines:

• Room temperature: up to 4 hours

• Refrigerator: up to 4 days

• Freezer: best within 6 months

Formal milk bank donation is the safest option because donors and milk are screened.

When to Call Your Provider

Contact your OB, midwife, lactation professional, or hospital if you develop:

• Fever of 100.4°F or higher

• Chills or flu-like symptoms

• A red, hot, swollen, or worsening painful area on the breast

• Red streaking on the breast

• Severe breast pain that is not improving

• Chest pain or shortness of breath

• Severe headache, vision changes, or blood pressure concerns

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or feel unable to stay safe, seek immediate help by calling or texting 988.

A Final Thought

Only you know what feels right for your body and your heart. Whether you choose to stop your milk, donate it, save a small amount as a keepsake, or just take things one day at a time, your choice is completely up to you.

If you're supporting someone through this, remember that she doesn't need you to fix it. She needs you to walk beside her. Offer to pick up cold packs, help her find a comfortable bra, research keepsake jewelry, label milk for donation, or simply sit with her while she cries. Ask how she's feeling instead of assuming.

Follow her lead, as her body is grieving, too.

And just like her baby, it deserves to be remembered with compassion.

A Special Thank You

This resource was created in collaboration with Brittany Peralta, BSN, RN, IBCLC, whose compassion, expertise, and willingness to lean into difficult conversations helped make this guide possible.

Brittany cared for me during my breastfeeding journey with Matthew, but she also cared deeply about Heidi's story. She reminded me that lactation after loss deserves the same thoughtful education and compassionate support as every other part of postpartum care.

On behalf of every family who may find comfort in these words, thank you, Brittany, for helping ensure grieving mothers know they have choices, support, and someone willing to walk beside them.

With Care,

Heidi's Mom

Jamie